


Comfortable silence is so overrated

by Dramaqueendeluxe



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:53:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22924405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dramaqueendeluxe/pseuds/Dramaqueendeluxe
Summary: Calum is alone again. Alone and tired and hurt. The silence has turned from comfortable to devastating.One shot. Kind of a vent.
Relationships: Calum Hood & Ashton Irwin, Calum Hood & Luke Hemmings, Calum Hood & Michael Clifford, Luke Hemmings/Sierra Deaton, Michael Clifford & Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood & Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Crystal Leigh
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	Comfortable silence is so overrated

Backstage post show is pure chaos. Ask anyone really, stage workers are running around together with sound techs and crew members. Post show bliss is still evident and people are celebrating and already trying to fix things to the next show, to create an even better experience for the fans. With all the people running around, maybe it’s not so weird that you sometimes don’t know where everyone is all the time. 

They should have seen it coming. That moment when you step in to the car and realize that you left something in the venue. Or someone. 

All this runs trough Calums inner monologue as he tries to shake off the bitter taste that’s in his mouth at the thought of his band mates forgetting him. Now don’t misunderstand him, he understands them really. They got girlfriends and plans of their own and they can’t sit around and wait for Calum to join them as the sixth wheel. They wanna go back to the hotel and rewind or go out and dance together all coupled up. 

So he doesn’t make a scene. He won’t call them up and yell and he won’t complain. Instead he manages to get a hold of Andy before he leaves and rides back to the hotel with him. He makes some lame excuse about his friends being old married men and maybe there’s something on his face because Andy doesn’t mention it. The thing that Calum can’t stop thinking about. 

How could they leave without him? 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Next morning he wakes up in an empty hotel room with a few texts on his phone. One from Ashton, asking if he could play sober driver. One from Luke saying that they already found one and that they will se him tomorrow. One from Mali, telling him she misses him. 

He texts his sister back first. Sweet words combined with a promise of meeting up soon. A promise they both know he can’t keep. Not right now with the tour and press days and writing. 

He goes back to the other texts then. They make it sound so casual, like Calum just decided to stay back and rest at the hotel instead of coming out with them. Like they hadn’t left him at the venue like he was an iPhone charger or a clothing item. Like Calum hadn’t left the dressing room for two minutes to go to the bathroom and to return to emptiness. Silence. 

He answers with affirmative words and acceptance. Then he tosses his phone away from him and covers his face with his hands. His groan echoes trough his hotel room and he can’t help but think that maybe this is what life will look like from now on. Silence and emptiness. Loneliness. 

A knock on his hotel door drags him out of his head and he goes to open it. 

Sierra stands there with a big smile and Calum can’t help the smile he gives in return. 

“ Good morning, I might have lost my phone charger last night and Luke said that you might have an extra that I could borrow?”, she ends her sentence with a chuckle and looks at him with hope shimmering in her brown eyes.

“ Of course”, he says.

“ give me a minute, I’ll get it”, he says.

He won’t say the other stuff. He can’t. She looks happy. Luke is happy. Ash and Mike are happy and he won’t let his stupid head get in between their happiness. So he gives her the charger with a faked smile. 

“ Thank you, you’re a lifesaver. I’ll see you later”, and then she’s gone. And the room is quiet again.

So he jumps in to the shower and sorts his bags out and gets ready to go do an entire day of press. The last shirt has just been put in his bag when there’s another knock on his door. Hope builds in his gut.

And then it’s gone.

It’s not any of his friends but a crew member telling him that the car leaves in ten. Calum nods and gets his bag. The journey down to the lobby seems to take an eternity and when the elevator finally reaches the bottom floor he is met with laughter.

Luke is leaning against the wall, Sierra glued to his side with a big smile on his face. Mike is sitting right across from him in one of the sofas with Ash, Kaykay and Crystal. They don’t even react when he comes out and starts walking towards them. But Cal is a big boy and he doesn’t need anyone to hold his and or whatever. So he marches over and stands next to Luke. He gets a few nods. Not one word however. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Press days are long and stretched out all to close to the breaking point. 

Right now they’re doing a radio show and answering fan questions. It goes smooth with Ash and Luke taking the lead in answering. Mike and Calum gives their opinion now and then and Michael will even crack a few jokes. But Calum just nods and smiles along. No one listens anyway. His voice is a little annoying and he know that sometimes his sarcasm comes out as rude. He doesn’t want the confrontation or the hate. Silence is better.

However, the interviewer seems to disagree. So when the fourth question goes unanswered from him she decides to take the rear. 

“ And here’s one from babyvalentine, and it’s for Calum actually. How does it feel to be the only single one in the band? Does it ever get lonely?” she finishes with a perfect smile, like she hasn’t just opened a can of worms that Calum really doesn’t wanna open. 

Everyone is staring now. Producers and people from his crew, his band. Like there was a neon sign on his forehead saying  
“ Hey!! Look at me and my insecurities!!!!”

Enough time passes for the pause to go from thinking time to awkward. He slips out a chuckle and tries to ignore the acid in his stomach and the bitterness on his tongue. But of course, right when he has a good enough answer, Ashton decides to save him.

“ Well I don’t think that it’s very noticeable actually, we still hang out a lot as a group and Cal will go out with us on things just like normal”, a laugh passes trough his lips and Luke catches on quickly. 

The attention shifts then and the questions continue. But Calum can’t breathe. The air in the studio is warm and thin and he feels nauseous all off suddenly. 

Like normal?

Forgetting him is normal?

He grips his water bottle tight to release some of the pent up frustration and takes a long sip. 

They want normal Cal?

Then they will get him.

He is tired of playing nice.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

His lungs are still burning when they climb onto the tour bus that will take them to the next location. Of course, the girls are already there. And Calum likes them, they’re nice but enough is enough and hearing his best friends saying that everything is fine makes it a lot less fine then before. 

He mumbles something about a headache and heads to the bunks. Well there, with his earphones blasting rock music on high volume, he can breathe again. His fingers are shaky as he takes his phones and types away a message. To Mali. 

Cal-pal;)

\- Are you busy? Need 2 talk to some1

The answer comes after only a few seconds, in typical Mali fashion. 

Mali<3

\- nope! What’s up? Do I need to kick someones ass?

He snorts at that but appreciates the effort. Sliding out of his bunk and in to the back lounge is easy. The others are in the front, talking and laughing.

He presses the call button and waits a few seconds before he hears his big sisters voice. 

“ Hi, what’s up?”, she sounds happy with a hint of concern, like she’s afraid to ask about it. 

“ Do you ever feel lonely?”, is what comes out. It was not how he had planned to start the conversation but his sister is already making thinking noises so he just waits.

“ Sometimes I guess. It usually helps to go out with my friends or to call you or our parents. Why?”, the concern is stronger now and he thinks about the question a few beats. 

“ I just wondered, I’ve had a few bad days lately”, it’s not lying. Not completely. The last days have been shit but so have the last few weeks also been. 

“ Cal”, Mali doesn’t believe him. Of course she doesn’t. She grew up with him, knows how he gets. Maybe that’s why she lets it go after a few seconds and starts talking about a new song she is working on instead. 

He is grateful. Her voice is enough to fill him with hope and happiness and the bitterness fades to the background. 

They talk for almost an hour and then she needs to go. Probably to meet her friends, since they seem to want to hang out with her unlike his friends. He puts his head in his hands and breathes. 

This is what he wanted. What they all wanted. Fame and fortune and happiness. And yet all he wants to do is go home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Sleep won’t come easy that night. His head won’t stop spinning with acid thoughts and right when he is about to fall asleep he starts hearing noises from one of the couples. He shifts and groans into his pillow and wishes to smother everyone on the bus for making him unable to sleep. 

They got a show that night so the day is busy. He eats breakfast with Crystal and Mike, but he stays silent. He has a plan. He won’t let it go along any further.

They arrive at the venue and run off to explore and prepare. Calum however, stays on the stage and breathes.

“ Are you okay?”, someone asks behind him and his heart stops for a few seconds.

It’s Ashton. He looks worried and Calum almost spills his guts until he remembers why he feels this way. Ash keeps searching his face for answers but Calum lets it stay neutral.

“ Just tired, hard to sleep when people are doing a porno in the bunk under you”, his tone is cold enough that Ashton seems to shrink a little. It almost makes him apologize. Almost. 

“ You heard that?”, Ashtons ears are tinged red and he seems nervous. Calum rolls his eyes.

“ The entire state heard it. Pretty sure my parents back in Sydney heard it”, he bites out and leaves Ashton standing alone on the stage. 

He finds a corner outside and pulls out a cigarette. A smoke later he feels better, not good, but better then before. It’s quiet outside. He relishes in it. The demons are screaming in his head and the acid is burning his stomach but he stays put. 

This is what he deserves. Maybe he in unloveable. Maybe he will die alone. Maybe he will become cold and hard and bitter constantly. 

Thoughts like this used to scare him but now they seem familiar. Safe.

He’s interrupted once again by a door opening and closing.

“ Hey, you good?”, it’s Luke this time. Big blue eyes and nervous shifting on his feet. Safe, friendly Luke. But the bitterness wins.

“ Yeah, I was enjoying a bit of peace. What’s up?”, he sound bored as calm but on the inside he’s brewing. Like the calm before a storm.

“ Oh okay, ehm I just wondered cuz Ash said you seemed upset earlier and I just wanted to check in with you”

Calum snorts at that. It’s cold however and Luke flinches.

“ You wanted to check on me? Really? You sure you aren’t too busy doing couple things? Forgetting your friends at venues and lying in radio and making out with your girlfriend. Maybe you should focus more on that and less on me. It seems to me like it’s been working fine up til now”, the fire calms a little with his outburst but it’s not enough. 

Luke stands still with his mouth open and Calum sighs. He puts out his cigarettes and pushes past his friend. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Soundcheck is tense. With Calum staying stoic on his side of the stage, eyes glued on his bass and his band mates burning looks, it’s a wonder no one calls them out on it. 

When the last song is finished he rushes of the stage and almost slams his bass in its holder. He can hear footsteps behind him so he speeds up and almost runs trough the hallway and into a bathroom. He makes sure the door is locked before he slides down and tries to control his shaky breathing.

He can hear voices outside, but no one has come to find him yet. A tear slips down his cheek and he mourns, stifling sobs and wiping wetness from his face. He mourns his happiness, his bond with his friends, his life before this. Before girls and drama and all that existed were four boys with big dreams and even bigger fringes. Brothers. 

Time seems to slip away and soon he has to get up and splash water on his red face to try and hide the evidence. It works somewhat but he still looks upset. 

Someone calls 5 minutes to stage so he takes a deep breath and pushes the door open. Behind the stage he meets up with the rest of his band, they all give him a once over and then share looks between each other. They are not subtle at all and Calum finds himself just wishing that the show would be over. It’s still tense and quiet, but he refuses to acknowledge the guilt in his gut. He stood up for himself, he deserves that. 

They get wired and checked and well on stage Calum plays like it was his last night. He concentrates fully on the crowd, throwing picks and going close to meet them. The rhythm of his bass rings in his ears and for a while all his troubles seem so far away. 

They finish and walk to the front to bow, the hands on his back feel like fire instead of calming touches and when they get off stage he bolts just like after soundcheck. 

He steps into the dressing room and drops on the bench in front of his things. He fumbles with his phone for a while until the door opens. And in steps his best friends. He shoots up like a madman. 

He can feel their presence but he won’t turn around. He just won’t. Forgive him for being a little stubborn but he doesn’t want to give up now. Someone clears their throat and Calums eyes roll so far back in his head that he’s afraid he will lose them. 

“ Hey, Cal”, it’s Mikey this time, voice soft and quiet. Like he was trying to calm a scared animal.

“ I swear to god Mike if your next words are, are you okay, I will punch you”, he spits out and to his surprise Michael only nods.

“ okay”, is all he gets in return.

“ I’m fine, really I’m fine. So you can tell Luke and Ashton that I’m fine and that they don’t need to go tattletale like this was kindergarten and you can stop with the looks and the whispers because I’m FINE”, he’s nearly screaming by the end of it and both Luke and Ashton looked alarmed from where they’re standing. But Michael still looks calm.

“ okay”, he says again and the fire in Calum burns stronger.

“ I’m fine”, he bites out again, desperate to get trough.

Michael nods again and then starts moving towards him. Calum keeps chanting that he’s fine, only stopping when Mikeys arms are around him. He struggles a few seconds, angry and hurt. But Mike won’t let go.

“ I’m fine”, he keeps saying like it’s the only thing keeping him afloat. But then Mike hums in his ears and his voice cracks. He hides his red face in the shoulder of his best friend. 

Michael holds him silently, stroking his hair but otherwise keeping completely still. 

And Calum cries, again. 

He cries and cries and Michael hums and hums and Ash and Luke look terrified. 

And finally the tears stop and all that’s left is the sound of his dry heaving.

“ Cal?”, it’s Luke now, scared and ashamed, just wanting to help.

Michael sets them down on the bench again and waves the other guys over. Calum keeps his face hidden in Mikes shoulder, embarrassed and hurt and tired. 

“ we’re sorry”, the words are surprising enough that he manages to turn and face Luke.

“ We should have listened to you, we should have seen how we were treating you. You are so valuable to the band but you’re also our brother. And brothers carry each other”, Luke looks ashamed but determined, gaze steady. So Calum gives him a wobbly smile.

” I forgive you, I know you probably never meant to shut me out, but it hurt. I got left at that venue and it feels like a small piece of me is still there in some way, it’s stupid”, he rests his head against Mikes chest now, listening to the calming heartbeat.

“ It’s not stupid”, it’s Ash now, because of course it is. 

“ it’s not stupid at all. You’re not a mean guy and you would never act cold towards people you love if you weren’t hurt. You tried to tell us that you were low and we didn’t listen. You had every right to be pissed”, he continues and shakes his legs a little. 

Michael tightens his hold a few seconds before he lets go.

“ Tell us the truth now Cal, we will listen”, he says softly and Calum sighs. 

And then he spills everything. The loneliness and the silence and the bitter taste that takes over his body. He talks and talks and they listen.

“ I just feel so unlovable I guess”, he finishes and wipes under his eyes. 

“ You’re not”, his friends chorus together. 

You’re brilliant and funny and maybe even the smartest one here”, Ashton says with a tender smile.

“ Yeah, and you’re a killer performer and a great friend and brother and anyone would be lucky to know you”, Luke continues, stroking his hands over Calums back in comforting circles.

“ You’re our Cal, no one could replace you”, Michaels voice is still low and soft and Cal feels content here.

It’s not silent anymore, but hey haven’t your heard?

Comfortable silence is so overrated.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work so please be kind!  
> feel free to leave a comment or kudos.
> 
> I don’t own anyone in the story.


End file.
